“Hi, do you have some time to talk? I am feeling lonely.”

Have you ever heard anyone say this, or have you, ever said this? I can bet that I will mostly get ‘no’ for an answer. It’s hard to be vulnerable when it comes to loneliness, and so we often resort to escapism. We try to fit in with everyone to have company, seek validation from people, and avoid having a conversation with ourselves. 

Is loneliness all about the relationship one has with one’s self? What if I share my deepest secrets and someone judges me for them? How to be my real self unapologetically and nurture quality relationships? 

These are some of the questions I had for Kamna Chhibber who heads Psychological Services for the Department of Mental Health and Behavioral Sciences at Fortis Healthcare. She has experience in relationships, trauma, abuse, and the impact of personality-related variables on mental health, and has co-authored the book ‘Alone in the Crowd’ about urban loneliness. Our conversation on The MyndStories Podcast helped me find many answers and a lot of valuable insights on navigating through loneliness.

Being alone vs being lonely

As clichéd as it may sound, I started my conversation with Kamna trying to understand the difference between being alone and being lonely. To this, Kamna says that the basic conceptual difference is a matter of choice. 

When someone wants to be alone, they actively want to have it. But a lonely person may not necessarily have a choice. It’s something happening to them and often creates distress because they may not want it.

Keeping your own company

“A lot of people may just be very scared of spending time with their own selves because they don’t know what they would do.”

Being all alone in a new city, I often felt lonely and later, I realized it was only because I wasn’t very comfortable in my own skin. Kamna believes that if you feel you cannot spend time with yourself, it creates a lot of discomfort.

She adds that it’s all about accepting the reality that you are experiencing discomfort. People struggle with acknowledgment because they see it as a matter of weakness.

“The first step is actually to start by acknowledging that yes, I am having a difficulty in being able to connect with myself, and so this is a problem which does need to be addressed. If you start there, you will start looking at the situations of your life and what you are doing from a more realistic standpoint.”

Avoiding problems

“We all experience all sorts of feelings.”

How beautiful life would have been if it was full of only happy moments! But it’s far from reality. We construe an ideal world where there are only positive emotions, and negativity makes us anxious. But avoiding negativity is not the solution. Kamna says that you have to look at these challenges practically and let go of your inhibitions in being able to talk about them.

Either talk to people in your life or seek experts’ counsel, but deal with your difficulties instead of running away from them.

“Find a way to engage because life cannot be lived in avoidance. The more you avoid, the more you will find yourself getting distant from your own goals and happiness.”

Nurturing quality relationships

“A transactional aspect tends to erode the quality of what you’re seeking to build”

Making new relationships, as we get older, is hard. Kamna explains that when we are kids, we don’t focus on having a give-and-take relationship. Sure, we have our friendships and fights, but we are not focused on the gains. But as we grow, we keep losing the ability to put others on the forefront, and our preoccupation with our own selves tends to increase a lot. We have to try to be our authentic selves to let relationships grow organically.

Authenticity doesn’t come easy

“When you’re not being your authentic self, the effort that you put in trying to be that other person actually leads to so much dissonance within you that it can really be disruptive to your own mental peace.”

If we pressurize ourselves to be someone we are not, we start losing existing relationships. By being dishonest in new relationships, we create even bigger problems. People assume that someday these concerns will disappear, but it only adds anxiety and worry.

In an attempt to fit in with people, we start making changes to the way we speak, dress, or even behave, and before we know it, we are completely changed. This largely impacts our relationships.

“People struggle at reconnecting with themselves because they allow themselves to get distanced from their true, real, authentic self.”

Dealing with loneliness

Whether it’s you or your loved one, the first reaction to loneliness is sympathy. But this might not be helpful. To take yourself out of loneliness, Kamna believes that there are only two steps: personal accountability and proactiveness. 

The first step is to shift from being preoccupied with the problem to asking what is the best way to solve this. The second step is to make small advances toward building quality relationships in life and have conversations. Create space for new and old friends and family members and start rekindling your relationships.

To support someone else in loneliness, simply extend a helping hand. Notice both their verbal and non-verbal communication and offer support.

“I think the simplest way of engaging with someone when you see that they’re going through these multiple changes is to just actually go up to them and say: I’ve been seeing that you’re going through these changes. I’m not sure what’s going on. Maybe it’s nothing, but I really wanted to check if everything is okay. That simple comment can enable the other person to recognize that you care, and they would feel encouraged to talk to you as well.”

Remember: “It’s not about you trying to help the person reach an understanding of what is going on with them. It’s more about letting the other person know that you do care.”

Kamna talks about the impact of social media on feelings of loneliness, the challenges of adult relationships, and how we can better support ourselves and others through loneliness on The MyndStories Podcast.