Finding a good therapist is equivalent to finding the perfect sweater. It has to be soft and comfortable to keep you warm and away from cold. It is significant to find the perfect sweater, something that is cozy, makes you look good, and feel better. The same goes for a healthy therapeutic relationship. Just like a sweater, it is immensely important to know whether your current therapist is a good fit or not.

The entire therapeutic relationship lies in what is in the best interest of the client. Knowing the potential red flags from a therapist and its impact on you becomes a priority.

We spoke to Aadhyaa Udawat, Mental Health Counsellor and Founder of Heal&Heal, practicing in Melbourne, Australia, and India, to recognize the signs of when it’s time to break up with your therapist.

Understanding the therapeutic relationship

The dynamics of a therapeutic relationship are based on trust, acceptance, acknowledgement, and guidance. You reach out to a therapist in your most vulnerable state, to understand and learn ways to deal with your problems. In that case, the role of the therapist emphasizes providing a safe and supportive environment for your emotional and mental well-being.

Susan Johnson, a professor of Clinical Psychology, stated in the research study Famous Therapist Errors (2011), that administering therapy is an ongoing learning process. Therapists are mentors who have gone through their own learning which gives others permission to learn from them and permission for therapists themselves to continue learning.

Top 6 red flags to watch out for

Following are the six most common red flags that you should be aware of when interacting with your therapist. If you notice these warnings in your therapist, run fast and wild.

#1 Lack of boundaries

Aadhyaa points out that a lack of boundaries from your therapist can show up as pushing you to take a session, oversharing about their personal issues, and/or developing a dual relationship. Mixing a professional and personal relationship can get really confusing for clients and can be detrimental to their mental health. William Glasser, in the aforementioned 2011 study also emphasizes, “Sometimes I’m not careful enough to build a relationship with the client before pointing out that he or she may have made some bad choices.”

#2 Poor communication

In the 2011 study, Arnold Lazarus states, “Ineffective therapy also occurs when therapists: do not hear their client, constantly answer questions with other questions, engage in labeling, misread the client, utilize malignant interpretations, ridicule, insult, or offer destructive criticism, and do not employ empirically supported techniques when relevant.”

A therapist failing to get the full picture before moving ahead, and jumping to conclusions is another red flag. Aadhyaa emphasizes, “A good therapist will help you access your own internal resources and awareness and empower you to make the decisions that feel right to you. Advice giving not only makes a client dependent on the therapist, but they might also feel judged and pressured to act in ways that are not in alignment with them.”

#3 Ethical violations

Highlighting the significance of ethical breaches by the therapist, including confidentiality breaches and their potential impact on the client’s trust, Aadhyaa stresses, “A therapist that is claiming to offer services for which they’re not trained or licensed can actually be problematic. It’s always good to ensure that your therapist has the right credentials from a reputable, licensed degree and university. There are multiple people selling therapy and counseling on social media that can greatly harm a client’s experience of therapy and make them share their most difficult experiences in a space where the person offering ‘counseling’ is not trained to contain it. A credible therapist would at least have a Master’s degree in the relevant field and years of training in their niche therapies that would make them an expert in handling those respective issues with their modalities”.

#4 Lack of empathy

Discussing the importance of empathy in therapy and how a therapist’s inability to demonstrate empathy can hinder the client’s progress and emotional well-being, Susan Johnson said, “Bad therapy for me involves times when I get caught in a reactive cycle with clients and start to pathologize them and not give them the benefit of the doubt.” Aadhyaa adds, “If your therapist is constantly judging you, it can create a very unsafe experience for the client.”

#5 Abandonment

Arnold Lazarus explains his incident of abandonment with a client, in the study of 2011, stating that after deliberation through the years, he concluded that the client’s putdowns, criticism, and the way he treated his wife bothered him. Referring the client to another therapist was an option in the therapist’s mind, however, he admits, “I couldn’t think of anyone I hated enough to refer this guy to.”

Abandonment from a therapist can come in many forms such as, not responding for a follow-up session, ghosting, or leaving sessions midway repeatedly. Abandonment can also be in the form of a therapist admitting that they can’t help you and not referring another therapist in their place. This can affect your self-confidence in the healing process and the idea of getting better, which can further push you into the depths of mental problems.

#6 Unprofessional behavior

Addressing unprofessional conduct by the therapist, such as tardiness, inappropriate self-disclosure, or engaging in non-therapeutic activities during sessions, Aadhyaa says, “Canceling or rescheduling sessions, often and at the last moment is another red flag. Starting a session late, forgetting sessions, not being fully present in the session are all signs of unprofessional behavior. If it happens once in a while, that’s fine.

However, if it’s a repetitive thing, it can make a client feel unheard or unseen and disrespected. It can be very frustrating for a client to prepare themselves for a session emotionally, and then not have their therapist fully show up for the session.”

Impact on clients

Not being able to pace sessions in accordance with your needs, not understanding the type of therapy that might work for you, not being able to keep aside their biases during sessions, and being overfriendly, can be extremely impressionable on you, more so in your vulnerable state. 

When a therapist fails to make you feel heard and seen, you might end up closing yourself more than before. Regret and shame from opening up are some of the very severe implications of the red flags stated above. It also directly affects your trust in the institution and practice of psychology and therapy. To be pushed to feel your emotions on someone else’s timeline can be frustrating and uncomfortable for you. Therapy should be on the client’s timeline.

Seeking support and resolution

Kottler & Blau (1989), in their book The Imperfect Therapist, says, “A good indication of therapy failure is when both parties agree there has been no apparent change.” In such a situation, initiating a conversation with your therapist is a step of utmost importance. Asking your therapist the following questions might help:

1.  I don’t feel like I am making any progress. Can we discuss this further?

2.  Can we try other techniques or exercises that might help me loosen up a bit?

3.  Can you explain further, what you meant by that? (for an offensive statement).

4.  I am not comfortable talking about this right now, I think I need more time before we discuss this.

Having said that, we are all human beings, and so, even a healthy therapeutic relationship can have ruptures. Aadhyaa recalls her own experience as she shares that such ruptures have helped her show up for her clients in ways that they need and make them feel safer in the therapeutic relationship. Such open communication and awareness leads to repair.

Clients tend to think that it is only a therapist who navigates the sessions, and they are to just follow the lead. However, understanding your needs, and knowing what is comfortable for you can help you take the lead in your therapy. Therapy is sharing and balancing the power. And a good therapist always maintains that balance.