Pitter-patter, pitter-patter.

There’s something about incessant rain, isn’t it? Often, a rainy night would have me curling up on my bed with a rom-com movie. But today, it felt different. 

I felt a tug in my heart, an emptiness and a longing. I missed a friend I did not have. I missed the little conversations we could have had. 

If I have to be honest, the introvert in me is not really craving for people and chatter, but just for that one person and some conversation. 

Friendships are curious that way, aren’t they? I suppose the whole idea of friendship changes with time (and as we age)! Every time I lost a friend during my teenage years, I would find solace in food (in a not-so-good way). Endless bags of chips and chocolates turned into plasters that would hold my heart from falling apart. My teenage years made me question my belief in what the books had told me about friendships – be it the Famous Five sticking together through rain or shine, or Harry’s unbreakable bond with Hermione and Ron (yes, Harry Potter).

Since high school, I’ve had numerous friendship breakups. What hurt me the most was the lack of closure in each ending. I still wonder what went wrong or if it was ‘me’. Sometimes, a part of me wonders if those former friends still think of the bond we shared; while they have moved on so effortlessly, I am still stuck on memories. 

It was only recently that I came across Dr. Nicole LePera’s thoughts on friendship, where she states that friendship breakups are just as painful as romantic breakups. True, isn’t it? Though I’ve felt pained at losing friends, I’ve never really acknowledged it till recently.

This also makes me wonder how I can handle friendship breakups with grace. Honestly, I don’t have an answer and nor do I think it is easy.

But, if at all there’s anything I’ve learnt in recent times (thanks to Vipassana), it is the idea of impermanence.

As challenging as it sounds, I’m taking baby steps in trying to surrender to the ebb and flow of life and friendships.

Meanwhile, the only balm to soothe the emptiness is to hold space for all the friendships I’ve lost (and maybe, have some hope for what the future holds), after all, our scars (visible and invisible) are what make our journey unique.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are the author’s own and do not reflect those of MyndStories. As a first-person account, this is not verified or vetted by our in-house review board.