“I don’t feel like I belong.”

“I don’t fit in anywhere!”

“Something seems amiss…”

These are just some phrases that have played in my mind since my childhood. 

My childhood had me being the most talkative with my close family. I could talk, talk and talk. I had a lot of ‘why’, for which my parents would often not have an answer. School was like walking on a fine line between me doing something I wanted to and doing something I was compelled to.

My circle of friends were small (one could count them easily). My teenage years and early adulthood were as challenging as my childhood in terms of friendship, having a social circle and a career.

Fast forward a few years into life and adulting, I still continue to feel out of place in many settings. To give you an idea, it always feels like the puzzle is incomplete (no matter how complete it appears).

While people around me enjoy small talks, I find them frustrating and pointless – I’d rather have you get to the point than talk to me about something that I’ve not experienced. While quiet and shy (something that I’ve been told and accused of all my life), I read and remember things that one would often overlook or not find to be important. 

Over the course of the years, I noticed certain quirks of mine getting more prominent. For example, I dislike sound to the extent of wanting to cry, scream or just close my ears till the sound fades. I also realised that I enjoyed dressing for comfort rather than for style. While people around me obsessed over something new and trendy, I’d reach out to the old and familiar (as anything new made me anxious). 

It wasn’t until recently (June 2023, to be precise) that I came across the term ‘autism’.

The common knowledge that I had was, it was mostly seen in children. The more I read about it (I mean, obsessively), the more I found myself discovering that adults could be diagnosed as well. I started ticking most of the boxes (though, there’s no standard template that defines autism, it is a spectrum after all!) and suddenly, everything in my life seemed to make sense. I seemed to have found an answer to why I liked or disliked certain things, why a 9-to-5 job felt so challenging, why I found it difficult to make friends, and a lot more!

This made me curious to the point that I wanted to get an assessment done, just to be sure. 

The assessment had questionnaires that had to be filled by myself and my partner or parents. After filling and submitting the forms, I was paired with an assessor and we interacted over calls. We spoke about different things under the sun. Most times, I would write lengthy emails to my assessor, telling her all that was going on in my mind. (It has always been easier to communicate by writing, always!)

After nearly 4 months of communication, my assessor affirmed what I had been guessing for quite a while, “Congratulations! You are actually autistic!”

These words were my “Harry – yer a wizard” moment; catharsis – that’s how I would define the result. It felt (and still feels) like everything clicked and the universe made sense.

I finally figured out why I’ve been the way I’ve been, and now, I don’t feel guilty or bad about just being me; I’ve finally made peace with myself.

While the road ahead seems new and long, I find solace in the fact that I am no less than any other person.