5 mindful things to say when someone is socially anxious

1 March 2023
Ian Chew Written by Ian Chew
Ian Chew

Ian Chew

Ian Chew is the founder of


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Ankita Magdani Reviewed by Ankita Magdani
Ankita Magdani

Ankita Magdani

Ankita Magdani is a Mental Health Therapist, Career, and Mindset Coach based in Dubai. She...


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Ugh. So, this happened half an hour ago… 

I walked out of the cafe, feeling ashamed of myself. 

I just couldn’t muster the courage to talk to the group of girls sitting near me. 

I thought about it a few times — I even walked closer to them, talking to the barista while glancing over at their table — but ultimately, I didn’t.  

Even after the 10,000+ conversations I’ve had over the last decade…  I was paralyzed by my social anxiety. 

As I write this, I recall the experience, along with the self-talk I’ve had. Here’s what I told myself that made me feel way better:

“That’s OK. Looks like that’s the next thing to work on then!” 

And it got me thinking… 

What else would I have said to myself? In fact, what would I say to support a friend who has social anxiety?

Before I share a few things that I’d say, let’s set some context… 

How you say it is more important than what you say 

It might be obvious, yes, but it’s still hella important. 

The same words can mean totally different things. 

And it often all comes down to your intent.

Let me give you an example. Say we’re hanging out, you just shared your worries with me, and I responded with, “Thank you for sharing”. 

Sounds like an OK thing to say, right? But… what if I muttered that while looking at my phone and even smirking? 

You most probably won’t feel heard — you might even feel that I was dismissing your concerns!  

So how do you best express your support towards someone who has social anxiety? While we all have our unique personalities and ways of expression, here are a few things to be mindful of: 

  • Don’t try to “fix” their anxiety. In other words, resist the temptation to rush in and offer solutions, even if you’re a trained professional. Listen first, suggest later. This is what I’ve learned after taking the psychological First Aid Course at John Hopkins University. 
  • It’s not about you, it’s about them: Yes, it can be helpful to share your story, but only if they ask for it and it’s more or less what they’ve been through. Otherwise, you run the risk of taking over the spotlight and even alienating them.
  • Think of yourself as their best friend or family member. Even if you aren’t that close to them, communicating from a place of unconditional love and care will help soften your words. What would you want your best friend to say to you in times of difficulty?  

With these ideas in mind, let’s jump in: 

5 mindful things to say when someone is socially anxious 

1. That sounds tough.

It’s comforting and empowering to have someone acknowledge your anxiety and how difficult it can feel. In a study, participants who were emotionally validated felt more positive than those who weren’t. But why? As my friend Aaron Tang wisely wrote:

“[Acknowledging the feelings] is not going to take the pain away. Rather, it allows you to acknowledge the pain and experience it — so you can then move on and get over it.”

When my therapist said that “it’s OK to feel…”, I felt an instant wave of relief, and I felt less alone in my mental health journey. In fact, the biggest benefit I got from therapy was his acknowledgment of whatever I was feeling, not the psychological exercises!  

Depending on the situation, here are other ways to validate their anxiety: 

  • That must be scary…  
  • I can see why that’s overwhelming for you. 
  • It’s understandable why you feel anxious about… 

2. It’s OK to feel socially anxious.

This helps them normalize their anxiety rather than seeing it as a sign that something is wrong with them. 

I recently completed a social anxiety for therapists course with Larry Cohen, the co-founder of the National Social Anxiety Center, and I was reminded of this important fact again: 

Social anxiety is a NORMAL response — it’s helped us successfully socialize as far back as the Stone Age! Otherwise, we would be living in a world of sociopaths. 

3. What makes you feel anxious about… 

An important part of mental health recovery is to share one’s story. 

According to research, mental health narratives can help you become more confident and less ashamed — whether you’re the narrator or the recipient. (And that’s why MyndStories has a library of mental health stories!)

But here’s the challenge: not everyone is comfortable disclosing their mental health challenges — especially if they worry about being judged. 

By inviting them to share their experience, you signal that you’re willing to listen. And if they seem hesitant, you can add that “I will never judge you” or “I’m here to listen…” to reassure them.

4. I like you/care for you no matter what.

A deep-rooted fear that most socially anxious people have is rejection or abandonment. What does that mean? 

They fear that people won’t accept them, as they feel that their anxiety makes them less worthy than others. Here’s what Arlin Cuncic, a therapist, says:

“They may believe that if they’re not liked by others, they will be isolated and alone.”

That’s why it’s powerful to reassure your friend/loved one that you’re on their side unconditionally. Not only can this simple affirmation reduce their fear, it can also challenge their belief that they aren’t good enough. 

5. They are more interested than you think. 

Speaking of unhelpful beliefs, this is something I’d say if they’re open to being challenged. 

What socially anxious people often experience is cognitive distortion, where they over-amplify their anxiety and lose perspective on the situation. In other words, they dismiss evidence that the other person is interested in them and instead zoom into their anxious thoughts. 

When this happens, cognitive restructuring is proven to be very helpful. If they don’t believe that people want to talk with them — which is a common response — here’s what you could say: 

“What if there’s a 1% possibility that they’re interested in you?”
(h/t: Dr. Aziz Gazipura)

The key is getting them to collect evidence that they ARE likable even if they’re socially anxious. And if they still seem stuck, you could share these 5 therapist-backed ways to overcome overthinking

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